In recent times, the above question has become very popular on social media. Men are saying that, they ask their potential love interests “what do you bring to the table?” They say from the onset, in fact, as early as possible, they want to know what a woman can offer. They want to be sure of what she can contribute to their lives because they don’t want to be shortchanged.

Some women have come out to say that this is a very valid question. They say they don’t blame the men for raising this issue because there are women out here who are just leeches that have nothing to offer their partner, they just suck him dry and move on to the next. They said some women contribute little but expect their partner to lay the whole world at their feet in return. I have seen words like “entitled” bandied about on Twitter {X} when this issue is discussed. I have also seen phrases like, “gold diggers”, “reaping where you did not sow”, etc, used in these conversations.

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I daresay my opinion on this issue will be deemed unpopular, but that’s fine with me. Here’s what I think: asking a woman what she brings to the table, is insulting and calculating. Any woman who knows her worth should decline to answer the question.

The question is so crass! The conversation quickly becomes transactional. It’s giving off the vibes of someone with a shopping cart, walking down the aisles of a mall, checking what is on display in the shelves and moving in search of what is on his list. That’s what it feels like. To be fair, it is not so wrong to see relationships as an exchange of favors. But to strip it so coarsely to the bones the way this question does, is just tacky and distasteful. It’s as if you don’t even like the woman. If you don’t like her at all, why did you ask her to a date? In fact, is this even a date or an audition for a role in a movie? Why would you ask such a pointed question on a first date or within a few weeks of dating and interaction? What about the magic of discovery? What about the fun and romance of getting to know the woman and learning things about her? No, I don’t agree that such a question is necessary at all. You just come off as this mechanical, unfeeling dude, basically a director looking for the best person for the role. It’s as if your feelings about the woman no longer matter and all that is important is that her CV is good. Why didn’t you just ask her to email you her resume and get back to her in 3 to 5 business days?

Seriously speaking though, the question is a no.

I watched a video on the gram posted by @notyourtypicalwoman where this question was being discussed. The guys in the video were saying that they know what they bring to the table. They said they bring a house and cars and furniture and they provide for their woman’s well being so they wanted to know what the women brought to the table in exchange for all that or to deserve all that. A lady in the video started trying to explain that the role of the woman is to make the house a home. To cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the man and the kids and every other thing that needs to be done to keep the home running smoothly. One particular guy in the video kept insisting that everything the lady mentioned can be bought. He said he could hire a chef to cook and get a cleaning lady to clean the house. The woman kept trying to explain to the guy that the role a woman plays in the home is much more than services that can be paid for. Personally, that video was cringe for me because it looked like the lady was trying to convince the man that he needs a woman in his home and pardon my French, but that’s just bull. Why do you need to convince a grown man that he needs a woman in his life? If he doesn’t see the need, let him be! Trying to sell him an idea for what??

To be honest, if that guy in the video had simply said he doesn’t like women it would have made more sense than all those arguments he was putting up.

Listen, guys, if you think a woman is so valueless in the first place, just leave her alone. Get your chef, laundry guy and housekeeper etc and live your unbothered stress-free life. Don’t go and bring in somebody’s daughter and start asking her what she has to offer every morning. There is no gun to your head. Nobody forced you into a relationship. Relationships are about giving and selflessness and if you are not ready to do that, stop the gibberish because it’s just noise you’re making!

The truth is that there are men out there who know a woman’s value and know that they need a woman to love. They know they need a woman in their lives that will balance them out and satisfy them with her unique self. These men are not out here asking “what do you bring to the table?” on the first date. They are not. The men that are asking women these questions are men who need to be sold on the idea that women are worthy companions. Ab-initio, these men do not see the value of having a woman in their lives. That’s why they’re asking. They are literally saying, “what will I get out of it?”

So ladies, I don’t think it is our job to convince anybody’s son that we are worth it. If he can’t see the value in you, let him walk. You don’t need to put up a power point presentation highlighting the pros of dating you or explaining the perks of being with you. That’s just silly. If he doesn’t value women, that’s quite okay. Let him back out into the streets. Why are you trying to explain the value of a precious stone to a pig? It won’t get it. It will still rub it with mud anyway. So please, let these men grow up and get to that place of understanding by themselves. Not on your watch but on their own time. Sister you are not a boot camp or a college, you don’t have to teach him your value. He has to see it for himself!

Another point of view was from married folks and people who have been in lengthy relationships. Someone did an Instagram poll on this issue and the result was that most married folks enjoying their union today, never even asked this question at the beginning. They were even confused as to why you need to ask such a question. Are you not dating with your eyes open? During dating and courtship, you get to know the woman and decide if she fits your bill or not. Everyone is making their own private assessment while on dates. It’s an unwritten code. You don’t need to be overt. You observe quietly and take notes. Then you decide based on what you have seen, whether this person is your spec or not. Are relationships not about compatibility? Compromise? You scratch my back, I scratch yours? Are relationships not about both partners holding each other up? Sometimes, you give 30, your partner gives 70. Sometimes it’s 60/40. Sometimes it’s even 80/20. It swings from side to side, but it works. They wondered who asks such a question? You decide if you like each other enough to risk it and you go for it. You both hold the table up or you pool resources to build it, if that is what needs to be done. The relationship people who understand what partnership is about, are not even asking this question. But experts in one night stands, situationships and flings want to lead with it! Brother please take a seat!

Simply put, sisters, there’s no need to entertain this silly question from men. Don’t sit there, trying to coin one smart, sassy response to this question. Instead, flip it and ask him what he is looking for in a woman. By the time he lists out his needs, you will have your answer. You would then know if you are his spec or not.

You don’t need to pitch yourself to a brother as if you are trying to lock down a contract at a business meeting. Stay in your feminine energy sis. Attract, don’t pursue.